21 Days

I'm down to three weeks. Three weeks until we head to the church, say some vows, slip rings on our fingers, eat a meal with friends, and then head off into the... sunset. Sort of. Sunset won't actually be until quite a few hours after the wedding, so I guess if we're being exceptionally technical, we'll be heading off into the afternoon.

At this stage in the game, I'm full of an odd mixture of nerves, anticipation, and contentment. I suppose that's the right place to be...I think that marriage should be approached with just the slightest bit of fear and trembling, lest we become too complacent and neglect to invest. Underneath everything there's a quiet fear that says, "But what if we do it wrong?" I'm ignoring that particular voice. There's nothing to be gained by paying attention to it, because if we're living purposefully, lovingly, and reverently, the what ifs will not become reality and there is nothing to fear.

I've always wondered what a bride thinks on the eve of her wedding. I guess I'll be finding out in three weeks. Until then, I suppose I'll keep pondering all of the thoughts that go along with nerves, anticipation, and contentment as we continue to make never-ending decisions about the smallest of wedding details.

Working Existence

I spend a lot of time these days in an office building sitting in front of a desk. Side note: sitting for 8 hours a day + normal amounts of food + added chocolate + no exercise = not healthy. I don't recommend it.

I digress.

Look! Here I am! Sitting at my desk!

Yes. Yes I did take a selfie in my office by myself. I'm awkward like that.

For a long time (oh, two years), I sort of forgot that in order to make life interesting, you can't just go to work, talk to clients, go home, and repeat. Of course, that's not what I did all the time, but it often felt like most of my "living" was only happening on weekends. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and do something about it. 

Step 1 happened without trying. Making friends at work is easy when you're surrounded by good people! So...check. One thing off the list. Maria and Erica are awesome (one time Maria gave me binoculars - the mark of a true friend), and now they're bridesmaids. Win. Also I work with my fiance. Double win.

It probably should have been sufficient to stop there. Having good people surround you should be enough to make you a human instead of a request-answering robo-drone, right? No. I stayed stuck in my little routine, and I remained mostly dead. 

Enter step 2: making my office interesting. 

I got a cool bookshelf. I added an amusing grammar phrase in a frame. Later, I added an engagement photo. (That certainly helped because every time that I see it, I smile.) Then I added some fake plants.

That was almost enough. I even added a snazzy (real) succulent (also courtesy of Maria and Erica). 

But as I continued carrying on and feeling numb, I finally realized that filling my office with stuff and even having wonderful people around me wasn't enough for me to come out of my stupor and back to life. I mean, the fact is that I still look at this for most of the day:

Well, if I'm looking down and to the left.

The bottom line is that I can't count on external forces to make me an interesting person with an interesting life. I'm responsible for doing that. I'm not sure how I lost that for so long, but the eureka moment arrived, I felt like I woke up. And I'm hoping I can stay this way! I don't ever want to get bogged down like that again. 

As Julie says in the best movie of all time (Julie and Julia, in case you were wondering), "I could write a blog. I have thoughts." And that's where I am now. I can write a blog. I do have thoughts. I answer a lot of work requests, it's true. But no one says that the things I happen to do during the day need to govern my entire existence.

But just to make sure, perhaps I too should consider going to culinary school.

P.S. If you haven't seen that movie, do it now. Then tell me. But don't tell me if you hate it, because that's just not allowed around this part of the world wide web.

On Planning a Wedding

If I were being totally honest, I think I would tell you that I'm sort of over the whole wedding thing.  Not because I don't want to get married - I have the world's greatest fiance, and I can't wait to get married! - but the whole planning process is such a massive undertaking.  In a way, I guess I look longingly at the days of yore when people would gather a few family members, head into town when the itinerant preacher was around, and tie the knot.  Think Laura Ingalls Wilder-style.  It seems a bit unnecessary to have this long, drawn out engagement processes that enables the betrothed couple to plan what feels like it needs to be the greatest party that anyone has ever planned, and heaven help us if all the of the details don't come straight from the world's most trendy Pinterest board.  Because that's not what a marriage is all about, right?  A wedding should be about two people joining their lives together in the sight of God, surrounded by witnesses.  Heck, in this case, I don't even think it needs to be a "great cloud of witnesses."  Just a few would be fine.

I suppose that I sound entirely ungrateful.  Do I want a nice wedding?  Yes.  Do I want to have dear friends there?  Definitely.  Do I want them to enjoy themselves and feel like the trip to get there was worth it?  Absolutely.  It's just that when I'm in the midst of how many tables will you need to have? and do you want white napkins or colored napkins? and if you want to spend $13,000, you could have the best catering service ever! and you need to read these 33 cool ideas for groomsmen, it doesn't feel like it's about joining lives together in the sight of God.  It feels like an industry.

[via my email inbox]

Maybe it's just something that comes with the territory, and I'm ranting about nothing.  I mean, I will admit that I sort of enjoyed looking through the 33 cool ideas for groomsmen (though I can't say I was into all the groomsmen wearing black tuxes while the actual groom wore a white one, or even groomsmen wearing jeans).  But something about the you-need-all-this-stuff-to-have-the-ideal-wedding just bothers me.  Why is it that I need to spend thousands of dollars to get everything just right?  Why should this period of life - preparing for marriage - include the undue stress of throwing the party to end all parties?

Conclusion: I'm a hopeless paradox.  The girl that looked at wedding magazines for years, but when it became real life, found out that looking at magazines is much less stressful than using the magazines.  The girl that wants a lovely wedding, but doesn't like the wedding industry.  A girl who loves shopping for a wedding dress, but doesn't like spending buckets of money on a reception.

Is this normal?

Recent Tragedy

Last Sunday I woke up to four missed calls and a text, all from my mom.  Naturally, I wondered which of my relatives was in the emergency room.  However, I was completely unprepared for what she said.  Tammy called this morning.  There was an accident.  Elijah didn't make it.

At 12:30 am, our dear friends' oldest son passed from this life into the arms of our Lord.  A recent high school graduate, Elijah was headed to boot camp in three weeks, scheduled to depart on his 18th birthday.  He was a leader in the church youth group, an excellent percussionist, and a gifted athlete.

There are so many things to say.

My broken heart is aching.  But this pales in comparison to the agony of my brothers...Elijah's five siblings...his parents...

This is not fair.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."

The town's response to this event has been nothing short of miraculous.  What an incredible blessing to count this my home.

God's presence is so much more visible than ever before.  He has already worked wonders through this tragedy.

I wish I could describe the profound, grief-stricken, worshipful beauty of Elijah's memorial service, but I don't think it could be put into words.  Elijah's life meant so much to so many, and his faithful commitment to Christ has reached the entire community and far beyond.  Through his death and his parents' constant witness in the following days, hundreds - perhaps thousands - have heard the gospel.



Thanks be to God.

Elijah Todd Davis
September 2, 1995 - July 28, 2013

Thoughts on Boston

It's often hard to find words to adequately address devastating events.  As many have already said, the Boston Marathon has always been a symbol of vitality and the conquering nature of the human spirit, and Monday's bombings wreacked havoc on what should have been an intensely joyful occasion.

Whenever my family went on trips when I was young, I would always ask my mom what would happen if the plane crashed.  Her response was, "If the plane starts to fall, don't be afraid. We'll look for Jesus. He'll be there."

In the midst of Monday's terrifying chaos, I think we saw him.  He was there in all of the policemen and paramedics.  He was there with the doctors who saved injured victims moments from death.  He was there across country, reminding us that regardless of politics, we are one nation, under God, indivisible, and we stand together in the face of evil.  He was there in the outpouring of support in the aftermath - through the prayers, the offers of shelter, the hugs, the innumerable simple gestures of kindness.

Perhaps it's odd, but Monday left me feeling incredibly blessed.  While the bombings were indescribably horrific and the loss was tremendous, we need to remember to be thankful that we live in a place where this type of event is the exception, not the norm.  We have the support, medicine, and spirit not only to recover, but to thrive in the face of disaster and persevere despite the atrocity. We have a nation united against a common threat.  We are surrounded by beloved families, friends, and communities, which give us the resources to carry on.  The evil of the event is so overwhelmingly outweighed by the blessing that I can only stop, breathless, and praise God for his presence in the center of the storm.

Vikings! Sequester! Ah!

The two subjects listed above literally have absolutely nothing in common except for the fact that I've been thinking about both of them lately.  So...one thing at a time!

Vikings

While listening to NPR (I admit it - I LOVE NPR) on my way home from work last night, I heard the beginning of an interview with the man who wrote the new Viking show on the history channel.  Being a small bit Norwegian myself, I found this interview fascinating, and since I had to turn off the radio before the interview was over, I decided to do some research myself.

-- Nerd Alert --

As a result of my research, here are five interesting facts about Vikings:

1. In reality, Vikings did not wear horned helmets.  Thanks for the historical accuracy, Wagner.

2. Most of the literature written about Vikings was composed by Christian and Muslim communities in the lands that the Vikings raided, which means that the Vikings' reputation is much more negative than they likely were.

3. Though I'm sure Christopher Columbus would like to take credit for discovering the Americas, that was simply not the case.  The Vikings - specifically Leif Ericson - sailed to L'Anse aux Meadows, Newfoundland approximately 500 years before Christopher Columbus ever set foot on the continent.

4. Based on archaeological evidence, the Vikings were exceptionally clean people.

5. The Vikings didn't die out.  Instead, when raiding neighboring countries became unprofitable, they simply stopped raiding and settled in Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, and Greenland.

Congratulations.  Now you know more about Vikings.


SequesterSequesterSequester!

At risk of sound criticism from the internet community, I am relieved that the sequester actually happened.  From my perspective, the amount of government spending is ridiculous and completely unsustainable.  If we were discussing personal finances, it makes perfect sense to me that if you're spending far more than you make in yearly income, you will be in too much debt to be able to repay.  The answer to debt is not to take more loans.  The answer to debt is to stop spending more than you have.  Plus, if you look at the graph, the sequester doesn't look like the "deep spending cuts" that we keep hearing about.

While I understand that cutting spending may have an effect on various entitlement programs, the military, and even every day life, it seems better to take a hit now before the debt gets worse.  There's no way to keep up with exponential spending when you're already in the hole without severe consequences, so if we have a chance to fix this with fewer consequences now, we should jump on that opportunity.  Plus, who would complain about the elimination of those awkward full body scanners that the TSA is so fond of?

Starting Over

Well, 2012 is over and we all lived to tell the tale.  So much for the world ending, Mayans!  I, for one, am glad to have a brand new year to look forward to.

I've been reflecting a lot lately.  2012 was a wonderful, full year, but it was one marked with a strange sort of internal struggle for me.  2013 is a fresh start - the opportunity for renewed perspectives and rejuvenation.  I've let many of my convictions and passions take a back seat, and it's time to bring them to the foreground again:

Music

I no longer have any excuse to not practice.  Someone asked me for lessons, and in order to teach well I need to be able to play well.

Blogging

I used not having internet in my apartment as the reason to assuage my guilt over being too lazy to blog.  I love the idea of having a place to record thoughts, and as I've never been much of a journal-keeper, blogging solved that problem.  I'm not going to let another year go by un-blogged simply because I read so many others that I think are more well-written than mine.  The point of a blog is not to become rich and famous.  The point of a blog (or at least mine) is to have an outlet for thoughts and a record of events.  Therefore...the blog is coming back to life!

Faith

All throughout college, I had this image of myself juggling various items - faith, academics, music, friends.  At various times, I struggled to maintain all of them at the same time, but faith was the one that never wavered, but instead held all the others in balance.  Post college, apathy has gotten in my way, and my relationship with God was the one that took a hit.  I can't let that continue.  I'm going to read through the Bible again this year, and do my utmost to "act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with [my] God."

Friends

I have been so incredibly blessed to have the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for, and I think it's too easy to take that for granted.  My two closest friends are both getting married this year, and I absolutely cannot wait to celebrate with them!  Those weddings will be such joyous occasions, and it will be a privilege to take part in them.

Organization

If I'm going to juggle well this year, I need to reevaluate how I spend my time off.  I'm completely capable of using time wisely, and yet I've found myself wasting time on the computer, sitting around doing almost nothing, or generally not using free time to its full potential.

So my resolutions this year can be boiled down to just one thing: I need to appreciate the many blessings God has entrusted to me so that I can use them, whether practicing, investing in friendships, church, free time, work, or anything else, to the best of my ability and for his glory.  Here's to a new year ahead!

On Walking at Night

I took a walk this evening.  It was clear and cool, and I could see stars peeking through the overhanging trees.  The air had just enough of a nip to whisper that winter is slowly approaching, and it reminded me of fall and winter night walks I used to take with my family when I was very small.

I din't know why I remember it so vividly.  I sat in the red wagon, bundled up so that only the tip of my nose got chilled.  There was no hurry to get anywhere.  No one said anything, and we would occasionally stop just to stare at the stars.  What stuck with me the most, however, wasn't the walking or the star-staring.  I remember just drinking in the bigness and the deepness and the darkness and the stillness that came with the cold nights and the distant moon.

Some day, years from now, I want to take my children on those walks.  I want them to feel the significance of knowing that the God that created this big, deep, dark, still, crisp world also created the hearts of those that behold it with quiet fascination.  In the mean time, I will continue to walk by myself so as to never lose the perspective of a child marveling at the creation of a loving God.

Musings of Late

It's been a very long time since I've felt like I have had anything worthwhile to blog about.  Not because my life was uninteresting - to be sure, it was great - but mostly because I felt like I had nothing to offer.  For a significant amount of time, I felt like I had entirely lost my identity.  I don't know what happened, except that everything around me shifted as soon as college ended.  It had to - nothing about the way you've existed for the past 16 years is the same, and you're thrust into a world that you've only experienced through thinking about the future.

Transitions are difficult.

There have been a few times in my life that I have truly felt God's hand in my life.  One of the most clear times was at the end of last summer, when I had no idea what I was going to as soon as I was kicked out of summer housing at Gordon for school to start back up.  Within two weeks, I suddenly had a job and a place to live, and I would be in complete denial if I said that I had control over any of that.

The second time is now.  The line "I once was lost, but now am found" keeps repeating itself over and over, and joy - once elusive, yet earnestly longed for - has woven its way back into my soul.  My life is so richly blessed, and for that I am eternally grateful.




(Note: please ignore the grammar mistakes and strange images in this video.  The music was the goal...)

March Madness

Not going to lie...I hate this time of year. I don't like that I'm tired to death of being inside, but it's not yet warm enough to go hang out in the sun. I don't like that spring still seems like it's probably months away. I'm tired of my same old winter clothes. And I don't like that I'm complaining so much.

I guess you could say I'm in a funk.

That being the case, oftentimes I feel like I don't really have that much worthwhile material to say, which ends up making me a dull conversationalist. That ends up leading to me feeling dreadfully inadequate as a person, silently shouting to the heavens something like, "Why oh why do I feel like a rock?!?" (Qualifier: yes, I am aware that rocks don't have feelings.)

Having said all of the above, I can. not. wait. until. spring.

Rediscovery

I did something that would probably horrify every professional musician on the face of the earth. I took a 2.5 month break from practicing. I can hear the whispered muttering now: She did what? She's going to get so much worse. How could she give up so easily?

But the fact of the matter is ultimately this: I needed it.

I needed it after eleven years of working to get into orchestras, working to sit in a better seat, working to get into college, working to sound ok at the next recital, working to pass a jury, working to fulfill the required practice hours, working for the sake of working to prove that I could. Somewhere in the midst of all the work, music - with the sole exception of playing with an orchestra - ceased to be music. It became a requirement. Not only that, but it became something I could use to show myself that I had something worthwhile to offer society.

So I took 2.5 months off. Did I lose some ground? Yes. Does my embouchure get tired after ten minutes? Yes. Do I find this pathetic? Ha...you'd better believe it. But I think the benefits outweigh the consequences here, dire as they are. Suddenly, music has more meaning. All throughout my lengthy hiatus I felt like something was missing, and practicing today - however briefly - made me realize what it was. One cannot abandon a method of offering praise to one's Creator without recognizing a sense of loss.

But now, with renewed clarity and purpose, mere practicing can be a form of worship that it never was before. What could be more beneficial than that?

Lately

I have been failing on the blogging front as of late. It isn't because I've had nothing worth writing about. Not at all.

I could have told you about how I moved away from the spot I called home (away from home) for the last four years and how it somehow felt a little like graduating all over again.

I could have told you about I went to Pinkberry again with roomie dearest and discovered that they had resurrected pomegranate, which - you may be of a varying opinion, but I don't care - is the best frozen yogurt flavor known to mankind.

I could have told you that I started working at a new job with marvelous people...(but it's probably best to keep work away from blogging).

I could have told you - since we're on the subject of people - how much I value good friends, spontaneous adventures, good conversations, and the beauty and blessings associated with all of the above.

I could have taken a literary jaunt and described how my rediscovery of the glory of libraries had me pondering the power of the written word - how authors take language and twist it masterfully until I no longer see words on a page but become swept up in some fantastical adventure. Or maybe how I wish I was gifted enough to weave together stories of my own.

I could have told you about the (cheater) cookies I made (from a mix) or the obscene number of times I found myself waiting in line at Panera, asking for a chai latte, a chicken caesar sandwich, or a chocolate chip cookie.

I thought about writing about each one of those things at one point or another, along with a long list of other things. But somehow, the doing of all those things got in the way of the writing about all of those things. And honestly, while I love documenting, describing, and detailing, I think it's better that the doing outweighs the writing. Don't you?

::sigh::

Do you ever feel like life is changing faster than you expected it to?

I'm not sure yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing, or just something you have to get used to. I'm tending to think it's the last of the three options.

Catching Up

I have to admit...I'm not feeling inspired in the writing department these days. Probably because most days are exactly the same: babysit, beach, practice, ice cream, sleep. Sometimes we throw a movie in the mix too. So...sorry. MLIA. Whatev.

That's not to say, however, that summer is being wasted away. No sir. (Or ma'am.) It's been a long time since I've had a more lazy summer, and I'm really enjoying it. I guess I can't be completely footloose and fancy free just because - ya know - I'm looking for a job and all that. (Have I ever mentioned that before? Yes? Mmm. How redundant. Again, sorry. Chalk it up to networking?)

I've discovered a new-found love for lying on the beach with friends, even though it requires wearing sunscreen (which I hate almost as much as I hate folding laundry).

I've rediscovered the glory of ultimate frisbee, and I've eaten way too much ice cream for my own good (to the point where I finally ordered sorbet instead. Uncharacteristic).

My family is currently is Switzerland, and I miss them a lot. (As in more-than-expected-a-lot.)

I've cried too much. Also uncharacteristic. (Uncharted territory stresses me out, apparently.)

And I've seen so much more to be grateful for. Transitions really make me want to hold tightly to the things that I've treasured in the past, but I really can't do that forever. Thus being grateful for new things is imperative.

In the meantime (while I figure everything out - ha!) I will try to eat more Pinkberry than ice cream, I will try to gain more freckles than sunburn, I will try to branch out from frisbee to whiffle ball, and I will try to practice more than two hours per day.

On Night Walks and Music

Taking walks at night has always been a thought-clearing experience for me. I think this phenomenon stemmed from taking "night walks" with my parents when I was very, very small. Vermont is beautiful all the time, but it's especially quiet and peaceful late at night, when the darkness is vast and open, the stars twinkle brightly in the distant heavens, and the stillness makes you feel wonderfully small and insignificant.

The stillness of the fields in Vermont translates very well to the beaches in Massachusetts. I love walking along, listening to the waves splash on the shore and watching boats' lights shine on the horizon. The feeling of freedom - no one watching, no one caring - is what allows me to really feel the presence of God. Because I know that while I feel small and insignificant, while no one is watching or caring, the God who created this amazing vastness is also the God that created my small, insignificant soul, and it doesn't feel so insignificant anymore.

Tonight I didn't go to the beach, but I did decide to walk around campus at night. Not quite the beach, but still. I initially just intended to walk around the quad once to feel productive or something, but I ended up walking all over campus because I was thinking so much. I didn't even know I had that much to think about. In the beginning, it was mostly asking questions with an undercurrent of a hymn stuck in my head. Does that ever happen to you? Background music to your thoughts? Maybe that's just me. Slowly, the background music started getting louder; it gradually overtook the questions, and I realized that I had Jesus Loves Me stuck in my head.

Why is it that a song that you normally just pass off as a simple children's song suddenly hits you with a message that nearly brings you to tears? It doesn't just have to be a kids' song either. Beethoven's 7th, Tchaikovsky's 5th, Saint-Saens' 3rd, Brahms' 1st symphonies have all had the same effect on me at one point or another. Without warning, a melody or specific lyrics unveils a brief glimpse of the heart of the Creator, and regardless of hopes and joys, fears and sorrows, you recognize for a few blissful moments that nothing matters more than his love for his creation. Nothing on earth can replicate that kind of beauty.

Just thinking...

I've spent a good amount of time with very young children as of late. These kids are between the ages of 2 and 4, and all of them have distinct personalities. It's absolutely amazing watching them; they're creative, brilliant, eager, and unabashedly unique. They are completely free from peer pressure, and they are unafraid to do crazy things like laugh with joy over an inchworm or climb something tall just because they can. They are completely confident because they have no sense of self-consciousness or insecurity. Unspoiled by the knowledge of evil, they are incredibly trusting and will love unconditionally anyone who shows them the same kind of love.

I think we, as adults (or quasi-adults) underestimate how much we can learn from them. I am constantly amazed at how simple and honestly beautiful existence is for them, and I wish I could be more like that.

Jesus said to have faith like children. Is this what he was talking about?

Reflection

Graduation has a funny way of making you feel oddly sentimental at strange times. Particularly when you're exhausted due to the fact that you're trying so hard to hold on to all the moments that would be lost if you actually went to sleep. It's happy, to be sure - I mean, why wouldn't you celebrate completing four years of hard work? (Yes, I realize that "hard" is a very relative term. I fully expect further schooling to be increasingly difficult.)

But somewhere, deep down, there's a very real sorrow that goes along with it. Something continually crying, Don't let this be the end...please...I don't know what comes next. I don't want to let this time go yet. I'm not ready. I don't want to separate from the dear friends that have become as tightly knit as a little family.

It's weird; it's a goal you work toward for more than 16 years of your life. And all of a sudden, it's all over. You don't have the familiarity of academia to look forward to after a three-month break. It's not scary; we serve a God bigger than uncertainty. But it is heart-wrenching, and leads to occasional unexpected tears.

I'm so thankful for the time I've spent here. I'm thankful for the learning, for the music, for the life lessons, for the joys and the sadness, for shared experiences, for the accomplishments and the failures, and most of all for the relationships. I couldn't have asked for a better college experience, and I have the most wonderful friends I could possibly imagine.


"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus...And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and my be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God."

Final things

Today is my last - repeat, LAST - day of student teaching in the middle/high school. Here is where you say, WHAT?!? Jillian, you only started student teaching 5 minutes ago! How can you be done already?!?

Ok, I get it...so maybe you're not saying that. But I am. How does stuff like this go by so fast? And I'm not just talking a period of 15 weeks or so, people. I'm talking about bigger things, like all of college. I feel like it started last year, and all of a sudden I'm almost done. Looking back on it all, I wish I had savored more of what I'm sure I then considered boring and mundane. Certain things stick out in my memory, to be sure: music major parties, late night impromptu hymn-sings in practice rooms (don't judge, now...), various trips to Boston, orchestra concerts, glorious summers filled with ice cream and adventures, that one time we got stranded at the T station because someone's car battery died and then we got lost on the way home...

I've always thought of myself as someone who is good with change. Not much phases me, and I'm usually pretty happy no matter where I am or who I'm surrounded by. But somehow this is different, bigger than other changes. Leaving college isn't like leaving home at the end of high school; nothing is going to remain the same after we're all gone, because, well, we're all gone. We have to pretend to be grown up and responsible, and the constant peer support system won't be quite so tangible anymore. Maybe I'm overanalyzing. It's not like I'm going to become some new and improved version of myself simply by walking across a platform and getting handed an empty folder by some guy with a lot of academic power. But maybe I'm not. I feel rather naive and unprepared for life post-academia. I've been a student for 16 years straight, and anything before that surpasses my memory span.

I'm not sure what my point is here. Maybe it's just that I'm finding out - like everyone does - that we can't live like Peter Pan forever, much as some of us might like. I'm not scared. I guess this is it: life is going to get a lot...bigger in the next few weeks, and that expansion process comes with some odd mix of joy, apprehension, and excitement, and will be, above all else, seriously bittersweet.

Diana and I took a long walk this afternoon and reminisced about everything that has transpired over the past four years. Life is a little weird right now. I counted this morning; 12 days left of being in the public school system, and 24 days until graduation. I knew graduation was coming from the day I started at Gordon back in 2007, but I certainly didn't expect to feel this nostalgic, sentimental, and...unfinished...as I do now. Most days I can't decide whether I'm about to laugh or cry or both at the same time. There are so many things up in the air, ranging from the life-altering to the mundane, and I see no way for them to all be tied up within less than a month. I know they won't be. I can't expect that. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Oswald Chambers

I've been sporadically reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest over the past year(s), and I think that it usually has good things to say. Although today I came across this one. I'm putting up the whole thing, and therefore I guess you can skip it if you want.

The Delight of Sacrifice

"I will very gladly spend and be spent for you."
2nd Corinthians 12:15

"When the Spirit of God has shed abroad the love of God in our hearts, we begin deliberately to identify ourselves with Jesus Christ's interests in other people, and Jesus Christ is interested in every kind of man there is. We have no right in Christian work to be guided by our affinities; this is one of the biggest tests of our relationship to Jesus Christ. The delight of sacrifice is that I lay down my life for my Friend, not fling it away, but deliberately lay my life out for Him and His interests in other people, not for a cause. Paul spent himself for one purpose only - that he might win men to Jesus Christ. Paul attracted to Jesus all the time, never to himself. 'I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.'

When a man says he must develop a holy life alone with God, his is of no more use to his fellow men: he puts himself on a pedestal, away from the common run of men. Paul became a sacramental personality; wherever he went, Jesus Christ helped Himself to his life. Many of us are after our own ends, and Jesus Christ cannot help Himself to our lives. If we are abandoned to Jesus, we have no ends of our own to serve. Paul said he knew how to be a 'doormat' without resenting it, because the mainspring of his life was devotion to Jesus. We are apt to be devoted, not to Jesus Christ, but to the things which emancipate us spiritually. That was not Paul's motive. 'I could wish myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren' - wild extravagant - is it? When a man is in love it is not an exaggeration to talk in that way, and Paul is in love with Jesus Christ."


I would love to be the type of person that lived like this. You've met her before - the girl who simply exudes godliness in every action, word, and even expression. The girl who never says anything mean, and the girl who is truly beautiful because her devotion to Christ is absolutely evident as the focal point of her identity. For my part, I have occasionally said that I do not want to be the main character of my life; instead, I want others to be pointed to God through everything I do and say. It's something I aspire to, and yet something at which I fail miserably every single day to the point that I feel like a hypocrite for even thinking about it.


And so I start to wonder - is Oswald Chambers right about this? If you are to leave your own interests behind, how should you deal with spiritual gifts, or are those only applicable to relationships or ministry and not to personal enjoyment? Is it biblical to constantly be a doormat - to sometimes be taken advantage of without complaining and without arguing? Is that what Jesus would have done? At what point do you draw boundaries to prevent yourself from becoming bitter and resentful, or do you eliminate even a hint of a boundary and be so devoted to God that being in a state of doormat-ness is unimaginable? ("So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.") A strong and continual lesson in humility has left me realizing that every single situation that calls your character and responses into question has multiple sides, and that nothing is as simple as it seems from your own perspective. It seems to me that Chambers is saying that admitting personal need and weakness means that I am not trusting in or devoted to God enough, and maybe that's true, but I could be completely off-base. I would love to hear what you think about this question....