An Instrumentalist's Guide to the Wind Ensemble

It occurred to me this evening that a non-musician might have a hard time identifying with my more music-focused posts, so I've decided to give you the following: An Instrumentalist's Guide to the Wind Ensemble. Inspired, of course, by Benjamin Britten's "A Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra," which may be the only tonal thing Britten ever wrote.

[I feel it is appropriate here for me to mention how much I hate, loathe, detest, and/or abhor Britten's Metamophoses, which is a standard piece of oboe repertoire. Abnormal opinion: yes. Understandable opinion: abso-freakin'-lutely.]

So...for your education, a guide to the wind ensemble.


Instruction: "Please play from measures 24 - 58."

[The following are reactions elicited from various instruments.]

Flutes: OH MY GOOOOOOOOSH!! Our conductor is like, soooooo cute. Should we like, listen? Oh. By the way. I'm SO much better at playing fast notes than you are. Like, really. But seriously, he's like....heeheeheeheehee!

Oboes: Yes, sir. We will play those measures. Would you like them louder or softer? Where would be the best place to breathe? Can we tune again? Everything seems out of tune. We've noticed what you've been saying about the music, and, as oboists, we wish to continually strive for more perfect perfection.

Clarinets: Ok. [proceed to play, but no one can tell because it's too quiet.]

Saxophones: [blank stare.]

Horns: What's that? It's marked pianissimo? MAKE THAT TRIPLE FORTE.

Trumpets: I can play it better than YOU can. Yeah. Bring it. I'm principal.

Trombones: Oh, whatever. We still have five pages before we come in.

Tuba: TUUUUUUUU-BAAAAAAAAA. [plays low notes four octaves lower than written.]

Percussion: Dude....whaaaat? Music?

Conductor: I. AM. GOD.



So there you have it. Now you know everything there is to know about a wind ensemble, concert band, or your musician friends.

(Please note that this is all in jest. I love people from every instrument group.)